Why Montessori is bad for children
My journey into the twisted world of Montessori began with a job application to a Montessori preschool in Shanghai, China. Little did I know my ambition was about to unveil the hidden agenda behind why Montessori is bad for children.
I met the head of the school, and she led me into one of the classrooms for my interview. It was like a scene straight out of Freaky Friday: a four-year-old sweeping the floor with the determination and ability of a seasoned housewife, a five-year-old cleaning a table. “Are the adults acting like children?,” I wondered, as I stood there looming over the tiny child-sized furniture like a giant.
I scanned the room, half expecting to see an authoritarian figure forcing these children into servitude, but all I found were a couple of teachers calmly observing the chaos. Intrigued and slightly concerned, I Googled “Montessori sweeping and hand-washing” and made a startling discovery. Brace yourselves, folks, for it turns out that swooshing and scrubbing are the keys to unlocking a child’s future success in school.
Sweeping and hand-washing for spatial awareness
Apparently, Maria Montessori believed that by having kids engage in physical tasks like watering plants or washing windows, they would magically become more spatially aware and gracefully move through life. Forget reading and writing; real-life skills lie in walking around without bumping into people and chopping onions without losing a finger.
In the Twilight Zone—I mean, “Montessori classroom”—intelligence isn’t just about absorbing knowledge; it’s about applying it to mundane tasks. For example, a child learns that wetting hands before adding soap results in a soapy lather. Groundbreaking, right? The future Einsteins of our time aren’t in science class—they’re putting on aprons and slicing bananas!
Multi-age classrooms: Lord of the Flies, but with more politeness
Montessori classrooms often group children of different ages together. It’s like a miniature version of Survivor, but instead of voting each other off the island, they’re competing for who can zip up their coat the fastest. The alleged benefits? Older kids learn patience by helping younger ones, while younger children learn valuable life lessons, like how to manipulate their elders into doing their work for them. Beware the “silence game”, where the kids who can conspire the quietest win extra time with the coveted pink tower blocks.
Where do we go from here?
Montessori philosophy emphasizes allowing children to choose their own activities. It’s educational anarchy! Little Suzie wants to spend three hours arranging colored beads? Sure! Tommy’s passion is endlessly pouring water between containers? Why not! Who needs a structured curriculum when you can have a classroom that looks like a toddler’s dream come to life?
Montessori parents aspire to raise intelligent, independent adults through the strategic deployment of tiny tables, brooms, and sponges. Embrace the mess, because according to Maria Montessori, it’s a small price to pay for shaping the future leaders of tomorrow. Until then, I’ll be in the corner, silently arranging my thoughts—and my tiny furniture.
This blog post is a satirical re-write of an article I wrote a while back, ‘Why is There Always a Child Sweeping in the Montessori Classroom?’ Read the original version here.